I would like to explain my situation and see if anyone can offer any advise because I am at my wits end. I am 33 years old, my wife and I have been together for almost 10 years. We have a beautiful daughter who is 7 yo. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I’ve tried all the meds and they only make things worse. Wellbutrin works a little bit but mainly for energy since I am lethargic if I don’t take it. I’ve recently (Nov ‘08) was diagnosed as manic depressive and bi-polar II by my psychiatrist. And I just recently had surgery on my shoulder back in March which I am still trying to recover from.
So with that little bit of background, here is my dilemma. I know for a fact that work is causing my anxiety/depression and mood swings. I have always thought that but never really had any time off long enough to conclude that it was for sure the problem. However, I had a pretty major surgery on my shoulder about 8 weeks ago and I have been off from work since then. While I have been off, the depression has gone almost entirely away and the mood swings are pretty minimal as well. It is like I had my life back for a short time and it was great. The black cloud that had been following me was lifted and gone!
Now it is time for me to go back to work. My doctor says I should not go back until a few more weeks but my STD insurance says there is no reason I can’t return according to my paperwork. Well I have slipped back in to my depression and the mood swings are coming back. My wife, who has been very patient with me, noticed it immediately because I withdraw from everyone and everything and she thinks I am “cold” towards her. I can’t help it and I have tried explaining to her that I have a disease basically and there is nothing the doctors can do.
Now I am trying to make things better. I enrolled this past semester in a local community college. It has been great but really it has just added more stress in my life which makes my symptoms worse. I thought about seeing an attorney to help me with my options as far as SSD because it just seems like it only is getting worse. The problem there is that I don’t think my psychiatrist will support me by advocating that I am unable to work. Money is not a real big problem, my wife does very well but she doesn’t think it would be fair for her to work and for me to not work and not contribute to the finances.
I know I should be lucky to have a job in this gloomy economy but I really don’t feel that way. If stress and work worsens your mental illness, do you stop working? It’s like if breathing caused your cancer to spread faster, do you stop breathing? I’m not sure if that is a good analogy but I feel like I am being forced to work with my illness, which in return will make things worse, like a downward spiral effect.
Does anyone have any real advise, maybe even from a personal experience? I would be so appreciative if you would take a second to tell me your story or offer some advise.
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No, you don’t stop working because of stress. You get a different job. Being disabled means you cannot work. I know this sounds mean but Get a grip! You are clearly intelligent and well spoken. It seems to me you need to do something that gives you a sense of purpose. Your wife can support the family with her income so you don’t feel needed there. She is probably enabling your low stress threshold with the best intentions by encouraging you to take it easy, blah, blah. Other than her, I would imagine no one is in your corner with this. Your focus is all about proving you are under stress. Go back to work and look for a different way to get affirmation. I think you don’t have purpose and being disabled gives you identity.
In no way do I mean to be rude although this may sound harsh. I was on SSD so you may want to hear me out.
Having an “aversion to work” is not grounds for being placed on disability. Work is a stressor for everyone. It makes life more complicated and depressing but it’s that way for everyone. Even if your psychiatrist supported you in that SSD has their own doctors you must see. You are also required to account for how you spend each hour of your days.
You may have a brain disorder. I’m not sure that you do. You said, “I have a disease basically and there is nothing the doctors can do.” That’s not true. There are medications and therapy. There are things you can do to help yourself. But taking and depleting your retirement benefits from Social Security early is a serious step in the wr7ong direction.
I tried all kinds of therapy and after endless medications found a combo that works. It helps that I found something to be passionate about in life and set some goals. I’ll work any low level McJob just so long as I can keep my hobby. As for finding a job you like and can live with, start brainstorming and go back to work.
You are in danger of losing your marriage and facing a possible custody battle if you don’t find a way to pull yourself together. If you stop working she will resent you and a little resentment is all it takes. Stay in therapy and work on those goals.